(When entering the precinct for the first time after being out for three months)
Bayliss: Homicide, sweet Homicide.

Stan to Munch: "The air is not moving - you speak to me and your words stick right here in front of my face."

Meldrick: "Murderers lie cuz they got to, witnesses lie because they think they got to, and everybody else lies for the sheer joy of it."

(While in the bathroom sit-down stalls)
Steve: "You got toilet paper over there?"
Meldrick: "No."
Steve: "You got five $1s for a $5?"

Mr. Ellison to Felton: "You tell me who did it, I'll identify them."

Felton to Marvin in the box: "Marvin, you have the right to remain silent, although personally I don't feel remaining silent is all that its cracked up to be."

Lennox Young - "My brother got shot."
Munch - "But all you heard was a bang?"
Lennox - "I got ears like a dog."
Munch - "And you've been using us like fire hydrants."

Gee: "Where were you, Bayliss?"
Tim: "I'm in love, sir."
Gee: "You're in love? You wanna fall in love? Do it on your own time!"

Munch: "What happened to the good old bar where you just go in and talk to the bartender, you think, you get depressed, and you drink, and you go home and puke?"
Meldrick: "It's outdated, Munch."

(When answering the phone during christmas time)
Munch: "Ho-Ho-Ho-Homicide"

Pembleton: "Where's your mustache?"
Brodie: "Oh, I'm trying a new look right now."
Pembleton: "Well, stop trying."

Meldrick: "It's pathetic. Looks like my house."

Pembleton: "Okay, here's the deal. I'm going to take Mary home right now. Then I'm going to find Lewis. And when I find him, I'm going to kill him. I'm a very clever detective and I will kill him in such a way I will not be caught. He will simply disappear.And like all sphincters before him, he will not be missed."

Kellerman: "C'mon, Meldrick, stay on the boat tonight."
Lewis: "I love you, man, but I'm not IN love with you."Kellerman:

Gaffney: "What is next, Al? You've got a pregnant detective . . ."
Gee: "Where ARE you getting your information?"
Gaffney: ". . . Pembleton, who's gimped in the head. So then what, Lewis and Kellerman wearing dresses?"
Gee: "Lewis in a dress. This interests you?"

Kellerman: "I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And if you want a hug, I'd be happy to give you one."
Bayliss: "A hug?"
Kellerman: "Yeah."
Bayliss: "Do you and Lewis hug?"
Kellerman: "Yeah."
Bayliss: "A lot?"
Kellerman: "No, not a lot."
Bayliss: "But enough."
Kellerman: "What do you mean?"
Bayliss: "Well, do you want Lewis to hug you more?"
Kellerman: "Forget I brought this all up."
Bayliss: "No, no, no, no. YOU brought up the hugging thing."

Pandolfi: "You're a funny man, Al. May I call you Al?"
Gee: "No you may not."

Bayliss: "Higby. Your ass is mine."
Higby: "Oh, screw you, Bayliss!"

Giardello: "All we need is a couple of facts. We already know the truth."

Tim: Not taking your medicine, are you? (Frank stares) I'm a detective Frank! I'm a keen observer of the human condition. I pick up on the subtlest clues, I react to the slightest suggestion. In short, I deduct.
Frank: Who told you?
Tim: Brodie.

Brodie: Bayliss threw me out. Lewis says I'm wrecking his marriage. Everybody hates me. I'm going to go live in a cardboard box.
Kay: Just try and get one from a Frigidaire 28ZGE. They're the biggest.

Kay: You can stay with Munch. You can stay with Lewis. You can stay with Bayliss. You can't stay with me? I don't get it, Brodie.
Brodie: The other guys you know...they're uh they're uh...
Kay: What?
Brodie: They're guys, you know.
Kay: So?
Brodie: Well you're a girl. A woman. A woman. A woman with wild red hair. I can't stay with you.
Kay: What are you afraid of? I'm going to chain you to the bedpost and cover you with butter?

Lewis: OK, show of hands. Who here saw what happened and wants to step forward and cooperate fully with the police officers investigating this crime? (pause) Hep. That's it. Our work is done.

Mike Kellerman: If there's one thing the Incredible Hulk taught me, is that it's a lot easier to be bad than it is to be good.
Drew Kellerman: Mikey, it's a comic book. Lighten up.

Mike: You sure you want me with you?
Tim:Yeah sure, why not?
Mike: I don't know, uh, last time we worked together you, uh, were kind of snarky.
Tim: Snarky?
Mike: Yeah, snarky, you know, from the ancient Greek, meaning butt head.

Lewis: Brodie's at Mercy Hospital.
Kay: What the hell happened?
Lewis: Somebody beat him up.
Munch: Well don't look at me. You guys are my alibi.

Frank: Okay, we got multiple chest wounds, an open door, and a weapon halfway across the living room.
Cox: It's going to be hell writing this one up as a suicide, I'll tell you that much.

Frank: What’s going on with you and Cox?
Tim: Um, we broke up.
Frank: What do you mean you broke up? When were you together?
Tim: I don’t tell you everything Frank.
Frank: You don’t tell me anything.

Howard: You want a cup of coffee there, John?
Munch: It's been weeks, no months, since a woman asked me if I had any needs.
Howard: The offer was a cup of coffee; not a vestal virgin.
Munch: More's the pity.

Ballard: My cat did it, my dog did it, the devil made me do it.
Gee: Then check. If the devil is behind this, I want his ass in the box (interrogation room).

Bolander: Have you been smoking the dope in the evidence room again?

Bolander: Munch, have you ever been with a hooker?
Munch: You ever meet my first wife?
Bolander: No.
Munch: Then the answer is no.

Bayliss: You guys think I'm a jerk, don't you? You think that I'm this naive rookie? Listen, if you wanna talk about me behind my back, that's fine. You go right ahead. But when I ask you to cop to it, please don't give me some lame story, alright?
Kay: Your wife called, lookin for you. Where were you?
Beau: Beth called you tonight?
Kay: Yeah, she said you told her we were working late on a case.
Beau: What did you tell her?
Kay: I told her you were in my bathroom washing up after some great sex.

Meldrick: Alright, John. I got a couple of questions for you and I want you to answer absolutely and honestly.
Munch: Of course.
Meldrick: Question #1. Have you ever been arrested for a felony or a misdeamnor?
Munch: No. Next.
Meldrick: C'mon John. Think back. Think way back to the hazy days of the summer of love. Your callow youth.
Munch: Oh, yeah. -- No.
Meldrick: John, this is very important, ok? The liquor board gets the report from the state police, so if you have any demons in your closet, now is the time to set them free.
Munch: Are you implying that in my college years I was engaged in activities of a criminal nature?
Meldrick: Yes. Everybody knows you were a major pothead. C'mon, man. I don't care if you smoked the stuff, I don't even care if you sold it. What I need to know is, were you ever caught?
Munch: Never.
Meldrick: Okay. Great.
Munch: Can I go now?
Meldrick: I have a few more questions for you.
Munch: Can I have an attorney present?

Bolander: How was it?
Bayliss: How was--how--how--was what?
Bolander: Your date with Emma.  I heard you took her to an art gallery.
Meldrick: DATE?! You had a date with Emma?!  You went behind my back with Emma?!
Bayliss: Me? Meldrick, look at-- No, no, I would not do that.
Kay: Hey Bayliss, Beau says you slept with Emma Zoole in a cuffoon or something?
Meldrick: What is she-- You went to bed with Emma?
Tim: No, Meldrick, no.  We did not go to a bed together.
Meldrick: You slept with MY Emma?!
Gee: I thought I smelled sex around here.
Bolander: What is a cuffoon?
Kay: I don't know. Beau was laughing so hard when he said it, he had to sit down.
Meldrick: You are a disloyal son of a bitch and I don't want anyhing to do with you.

Bolander: You don't believe in anything.
Munch: Sure I do.
Bolander: Oh, yeah?
Munch: Yeah.
Bolander: What do you believe in?
Munch: I believe that one day I'll be sitting at a bar in Hong Kong and this incredibly attractive and submissive woman with an abiding interest in art and existential philosophy will come up to me and say take me home and ravish me.

Munch: How come all the miracles that have happened; happened in the past?
Bolander: What are you talking about?
Munch: Name one miracle that's happened in your lifetime.
Bolander: How 'bout the fact that I haven't killed you yet?

Fidel: You've got a weird way of talking.
Munch: Don't start with me again, Fidel.
Fidel: It's like you hafta use all these weird words, its like you're listening to the words like they were in a cartoon coming out of your mouth and you're watching them thinking "I'm cool, I'm cool."

Megan: Where's the file?
Danvers: At the office of course. Oh, no, no. You can't... It's Christmas Eve for cryin' out loud... I'll get my coat.

Bayliss: So, you're just gonna walk out on me?
Frank: I didn't walk out on you Tim. We're not engaged; so don't act like I left you at the altar.

Det. Walker: Mrs. Holten, we need to ask you a few more questions.
Mrs. Holten: Who's he?
Meldrick: Detective Lewis. Homicide.
Mrs.Holten: A good-looking Police Officer? How come you never brought nobody good-looking with you before?
Det. Walker: Good-looking? You need glasses, Mrs. Holten.

Meldrick: I gotta hand it to you, baby. You got some nerve on you. Do me a favor, would ya? Would you autograph this for me?
Munch: What are you talking about?
Meldrick: And put the date and something personal. Never know; could be valuable in the future.
Munch: What is going on around here?
Meldrick: You don't know?
Munch: No, I don't.
Meldrick: You ain't been across the street?
Munch: No, I haven't. Is there something across the street I should know about?
Meldrick: Yeah, you need to take a look at the photo exhibit at the gallery over there.
Munch: I do?
Meldrick: Yeah. Absolutely. Go way in the back, up againest the wall, you'll... you'll know what I'm talking about. You know, I would've never had the nerve to done something like that. And I thought you were all talk, ya big fella. Ohhh, Munchkin. Whoops, guess we can't call him that anymore, huh?
(Munch then goes across the street and sees a naked picture of himself that was taken when he was in college)

Mike: What do you do for fun, Frank?
Frank: Define "fun".
Mike: Fun is when you do something exciting, maybe dangerous, with the possiblity that you're gonna feel really good before it's all over.
Frank: Oh, you mean work.
Mike: No, I don't mean work. I mean... sucking unfiltered Camels until you get headaches and snagging a 50-pound marlon on the line, and guzzling Wild Turkey until you puke, and running around the block all night and shooting pool for money againest mentally defective bikers. Stuff like that.
Frank: I don't have time for fun.
Mike: Then what the hell gets you up in the morning? You gotta believe in something.
Frank: Well, you can't believe in fun. That's not a religion.
Mike: Fun is my god, Frank. I worship fun, I live for fun, and when I die, I hope that I'm having fun. Like that upstate car dealer, ------ You remember him? He had a heart attack while nailing his beautiful, young mistress. Came and went. Now, that's the way to die.
Frank: Smoke a cigarette, please.

(Mike and Meldrick see Frank stop his police car in the parking lot and frank gets out and says he'll be right back.)
Mike: You know, he shouldn't leave a department vehicle running like that.
Meldrick: Yeah, could get stolen.
Mike: Lieutanant said take the first car in.
Meldrick: We shouldn't.
Mike: You're right.
Meldrick: Grand theft auto, baby. (They get in the car and drive away as Frank comes back out)
Frank: You sons of bitches!

Bayliss: And why does every question that is put to you have to end up like a discussion on Meet The Press? Just answer the damn question, "Como se fue su fin de semana?"  How was your weekend, Frank?
Frank: May I? It el suck-oed the big-o weiner-o. There, I'm bilingual.
Bayliss: You are the ugly American.
Frank: Don't get personal.

Bayliss: Frank, I work with you, not for you.
Frank: Excuse me?
Bayliss: You never say please, you never say thank you.
Frank: Please don't be an idiot. Thank you.

Frank: Why are you wearing that carnation?
Bayliss: I have been wearing this for 2 days and you're just asking about it now?
Frank: I've had other things on my mind. So what's it for?
Bayliss: To hide the smell... To hide the smell of death.
Frank: To hide the smell of death?
Bayliss: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Frank: No, no problem.

Grandma: Isn't it a lovely wedding?
Megan: Yes, it is. I'm Megan Russert and this is John Munch.
Grandma: Munch? Oh, you're the one who took too many drugs and damaged his brain. I'm so sorry.

Bayliss: Can I come?
Frank: Come where?
Bayliss: See the baby.
Frank: You've seen the baby.
Bayliss: I know, but I love babies.
Frank: Then have one of your own.

Bayliss: Yeah, see when I saw that, I knew she would love it.
Frank: She's two weeks old, Bayliss. She doesn't know what she loves.
Bayliss: Sure, she does. Hey, Olivia, you like uncle Timmy, don't you?  Yeah?
Frank: Uncle Timmy?
Bayliss: What?
Frank: Talking to babies in that goo-goo voice, like they're understanding. I hate that. I hate it.

Bayliss: Geez, Frank. What must you think when you look into this crib and see that face?
Frank: I see - Mary and me, struggling with 2 salaries to make sure Olivia goes to college. I see - me going ballistic because she comes in after curfew. I see - A guy, just like you, coming to my front door, saying I'm gonna marry your daughter.

Ballard: So, let's go, honey.
Falsone: You hear that? She called him "honey."
Meldrick: Uh-huh.
Falsone: You never call me that.
Meldrick: In my dreams, I do, Falsone.

Bayliss: I'm just speaking my mind here, Frank. I can do that with you because you are a man.
Frank: Well, pretend I'm a woman.  That way you can keep your thoughts to yourself.

Ballard: We speak for the dead, remember?
Mikey: Screw the dead.  What have their moldering asses ever done for me?

Tim: I have a plan.
Frank: A plan?
Tim: Yeah.  A very clever plan.
Frank: Bayliss has a clever plan.
Tim: Do you have a plan, Frank?
Frank: I admit it.  I have no plan.

Falsone: I can carry a tune if I have to.
Finnegan: Yeah, well, let's see what you got.
Falsone:  If you want my bodddy and you think I'm sexy, come on, sugar, let me know. . .

Munch: From the tracks on his arms, the large caliber wound, the proximity to a heroin market -- I'd say it was a heated dispute about the symbolism of redand blue in eighteenth century French romantic poetry.

Frank: You can't have that in your film.
Brodie: What?
Frank: That. You can't have us joking about overtime like that.
Brodie: But you said it.
Frank: Yeah, I know I said it; point is, I don't want anyone to hear me say it.

Meldrick: Nothin's missing, so I guess we can rule out a robbery, huh?
Frank: We don't guess, Meldrick, we hypothesize. We infer. We extrapolate from the evidence. We do not guess.
Meldrick: Go easy on me, would you Frank? It's early in the morning, I haven't had my first donut yet.

Munch: You're saving your really good lies for some smarter cop, is that it?  I'm just a donut in the on-deck circle.  Wait until the real guy gets here. Wait until that big guy comes back.  I'm probably just his secretary.  I'm just Montel Williams.  You want to talk to Larry King.
Criminal: I'm telling you the truth.
Munch: I've been murder police for ten years.  If you're going to lie to me, you lie to me with respect.  What is it? Is it my shoes?  Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut?  Don't you ever lie to me like I'm Montel Williams.  I am not Montel Williams.  I am not Montel Williams!  I am not Montel Williams!
Criminal: Who is Montel Williams?
Munch: I'm not Montel Williams.  Do you hear me, I am not Montel Williams!

Kay: Smoking causes mouth, lung cancer, emphsema....
Beau: Oh my god, you quit smoking. You committed this madness without consulting me first? Are you nuts? You're selfish. You ex-smokers are more relentless than AA or the Moonies or those born-again vegetarians. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna let you bully me about this. I don't wanna hear about how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's or how you're free of mucus and phlegm. It's all a bunch of nonsense. It's all a bunch of crap. I don't want you counting the number of days you've gone without a cigarette when you're supposed to be watching my back. You put my life on the line. I'll put in for hazard pay. No, you know what? I'll put in for another partner.

Frank: So you went out to dinner, then back to your place and after a night of hot, steamy, sweaty bone-rattling you laid back to light a cigarette.  He got on your case about the cigarettes.  It's about the smoking.  It's about love, isn't it?
Kay: It shows, huh?  I feel tawdry just thinking about it.  I must be crazy, certifiable.  I should see the department shrink about it.  Frank...
Frank: What?
Kay: Frank, Ed Danvers is an alpha male.  A stallion among ponies.  A man larger than life itself.
Frank: You mean large as in large?
Kay: Why else do you think I quit a two pack a day habit?
Frank: Wait a minute, we're talking about Ed Danvers right?  The midget dweeb?  C'mon, cut it out.
Kay: No, he drives me insane; I see stars.  I walk around feeling all this sweet pain.
Frank: I shouldn't be hearing this.
Kay: How do you talk about something like this?  And he's constant.  I mean anywhere, all day, all night, in the park, in the movie theatre.
Frank: Howard...
Kay: I had to set some ground rules.  He can't touch me in restaraunts or the church.
Frank: Howard, I think you're going too far.
Kay: Frank, I was only kidding.  I didn't give up cigarettes for Ed, I gave them up for me.
Frank: You were kidding?  About everything?
Kay: Yes.  No.
Frank: C'mon, Howard.
Kay: See, I guess you'll never know.
 

 
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